Voyager fic: Love And Deception 1/1
Jul. 3rd, 1998 02:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
g3r_ysgrifennuTitle: Love And Deception
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating: PG
Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Authors Note: (From original posting) This could not have been written without the encouragement of Kallanna, who kept wanting to read the next part while we were on holiday in Spain, and the writing tips of Alryssa.
I'd also like to thank Eleanor Morgan, though she's too young to read this story, for the Terry's Chocolate Orange she gave me for Christmas. It helped keep me awake Christmas Eve as I was writing this! And the fantastic band Queen, for keeping me company as I wrote/typed.
Disclaimer: All characters property of Paramount (aka God and my boss....) except for Bron, who is exclusively mine, and Nghaire, Jenny and Rhys, who belong to my friends but let me make use of them. You all know who you are!
POV: Janeway
I was a little uneasy about Tom Paris' suggestion to celebrate Christmas on an M-class planet that we would 'conveniently' reach in the evening of December 25th. Christmas hasn't been the same since Daddy and Justin died, and after we arrived here in the Delta Quadrant, I've tried to ignore it even more. I could tell that would now be difficult.
It was a perfect location; lush green forests with no indigenous life - wild or otherwise. And the rest of the senior staff were so enthusiastic about the idea - even Tuvok - that in the end I had to give in.
"So what's the general feeling amongst the crew at the moment, Chakotay?" I regarded my rather handsome XO, who was sat near me on the Ready Room sofa, relaxed and smiling warmly at me.
"Everyone's very excited," his smile broadened and my heart began beating faster. He has no idea what the sight of those dimples does to me, "We're all looking forward to spending Christmas on a planet for a change."
"It should be a good evening." I agreed. I knew a lot of preparation was going into tonight's festivities. I'd had comm-calls from Neelix every ten minutes all morning, to approve this dish, and shang-hai that crew-member to help in the kitchen. Still, Christmas hasn't been my favourite holiday for a long time, second only to my birthday. All those days ever do is remind me that I'm alone and not getting any younger. Maybe that's why my thoughts keep straying to Chakotay a lot lately - a natural wish to have someone, anyone, to talk to and to hold me in bed....
It's been too long.
He must have noticed a change in my mood, as he suddenly looked worried.
"You will be there - won't you Kathryn?"
I shot him a look - I hate it when he gets perceptive.
"Of course I will," I said, though I was already contemplating how to beg off, "I just find this time of year...brings back too many memories - mostly painful ones."
He looked at me with sympathetic understanding, then his expression turned earnest - which on him looks adorable.
"The only way to beat that is to make new, pleasant memories," he paused, as if unsure of his next words, "I've been asked to make a request of you, though I was going to ask you anyway..."
"What is it?" I could tell he was nervous.
"A few of us are getting together planet-side - everyone's grouping up - and we were wondering if you'd join us. Bron's spending all of today cooking up stuff for us!" he added, as though that would convince me.
"Bron?"
"Lt. Morgan from Stellar. She's been saving her rations for the past six months so she can replicate loads of ingredients to make all sorts of traditional things. Mince pies, fruit cake, trifle, turkey sandwiches, that kind of thing."
I laughed, "Why sandwiches?"
Chakotay grinned, "She says that we may as well have them straight off, as it's traditional fare after Christmas anyway. She also doesn't have the time or energy to do a full meat and three veg dinner, if truth be told. So, will you join us?"
"I'll think about it," non-committal, as always, "Right now, Commander, we have work to do." I smiled sweetly at him.
"Aye Captain." he chuckled, content.
Planet-fall went smoothly that evening. We were all pleased when Tom's scans confirmed that the surface would support Voyager's weight. That way, more of the crew could take part at the same time, without Chakotay having to worry about transporter schedules. The resulting power savings enabled us to do a special one-day-only increase in ration allowance for everyone. I'm told this thrilled Bronwyn Morgan, as she could then replicate more food for Chakotay's little party.
It took me several hours, and more than a few pestering comm-calls from Chakotay and B'Elanna, to finally agree to join the party. It then took another hour or so to decide what to wear. I finally settled on a pair of jeans and an aran jumper - the planet wasn't cold, but it also wasn't the height of summer out there. I also decided to leave my hair down - wondering how Chakotay would react. The man is fascinated by my hair!
The party itself was a sight to behold. Hundreds of small groups sat close together, around little fires. When I found Chakotay's group, they were all happily toasting marshmallows around their own fire. There was also a fondue pot, full of something brown and sticky-looking. The aroma of chocolate wafted over, and...was that coffee?
"Captain!" B'Elanna spotted me and waved me over with her free hand. She then began to curse as the stick in her other hand dipped and her marshmallow touched the flames. This caused the sugar to burn away in rather beautiful blue sparks. Chakotay got up from the ground and came over to greet me. He held me at arms length for a few moments, admiring the sight of me in civvies and with my hair down.
"Glad you could make it, Kathryn," he grinned at me, "You look stunning!" I fervently hoped he wouldn't notice how weak my knees had gone when he smiled. Maybe it was the setting, but the effect he had on me had suddenly increased in strength. I just smiled back, unsure of my voice, and let him lead me back to the group, where he began to introduce me to the unfamiliar faces. B'Elanna, Tom and Harry grinned at me in greeting as I sat down between Chakotay and B'Elanna.
"This is Lt. Nghaire Collins, one of B'Elanna's staff," a girl with long black hair and piercing eyes gave me a welcoming smile, which I returned with warmth, "Ensign Jenny Grayson, from Stellar Cartography," a lithe red-headed woman waved hello at me - I couldn't help but grin, "Crewman Rhys ap Meical, also from engineering," a very tall Maquis crewman stood up and offered me his hand. I shook it, amused by the formality, "And Lt. Bronwyn Morgan, who's responsible for all this real food!" a tiny, slip of a girl with brown hair who'd been pottering off to one side throughout the introductions handed me a cup of coffee with a grin.
"Please, call me Bron," she told me, in a lilting Welsh accent, "I hate formality when I'm off-duty. And as for the food, I had a great deal of help from Ni and Jen." As she sat down, she nestled snuggly against Crewman Meical, who lovingly put his arm around her. It was then that I noticed her slightly swollen abdomen - she must have been around five months pregnant, at a guess.
"Bron it is then," I sipped my coffee and gave her a grateful smile. Tom handed me a stick with a marshmallow on the end, which I began to toast, "How are you doing? I remember reading the Doctor's report on you a little while ago." Despite myself, I couldn't help feeling lonely, and a little jealous, watching the happy family-to-be. Thankfully, I managed to keep it out of my voice.
"I'm fine now," she said, smiling ruefully, "But I was not a pretty sight lunchtime! Most days, just the sight of Neelix's cooking makes me feel queasy."
"We really should talk to him about the effects his food has on the pregnant crew-members," Chakotay agreed, smiling at Bron with a twinkle in his eyes. He turned that devastating smile on me, "It was not pleasant holding Bron's hair away from her face as she leaned over the kitchen sink! Neelix was most upset!"
I smiled in sympathy, but some jealous part of me couldn't help but wonder why it had been Chakotay holding Lt. Morgan's hair, and not Crewman Meical.
"Chakotay..." B'Elanna's tone was wary, "Why is that woman over there staring at you like that?"
Chakotay frowned, and cautiously glanced where B'Elanna was surreptitiously pointing. He shrugged, "Maybe she's just another female crew-member with a crush on me." another merry smile at Bron. I didn't know what to make of it.
"That's Sonia Sullivan," commented Jenny, "An ensign that works with us in Stellar."
"Oh yeah, I know her!" piped up Nghaire, "She's a very odd soul, keeps to herself."
"Have you developed some kind of fanclub, Chakotay?" I couldn't help but ask, " 'The Chakotay Estrogen Brigade' perhaps?" Chakotay's smile faltered a moment.
"Oh yes, he said, recovering with a sly grin, "They have monthly get-togethers on the holodeck. And some of the stuff on the mailing lists..."
"Maybe I should sign up!" Ohmigod, I thought, Did I just say that? I can't believe I said that!
There was a brief pause, then to my relief B'Elanna started asking Bron about names for the baby.
The evening went quite smoothly from then on. We all complemented Bron and her willing assistants Jenny and Nghaire on their food efforts - Nghaire's chocolate fudge cake was heavenly. There was an amusing moment when Tom and Harry got into a debate over which of them could get dates with Nghaire and Jenny, much to Jenny's amusement and Nghaire and B'Elanna's dismay. Harry landed himself a lunch-date with Jenny, but Nghaire was having nothing of it. She played ice-maiden all night, to Tom's disappointment and B'Elanna's relief. My Chief Engineer is definitely harbouring a soft spot for Tom Paris, and if he knows then he's being a fool for ignoring it.
When I got to bed in the early hours of Boxing Day, I couldn't help thinking about Chakotay. If I believed Paris a fool for ignoring Torres' feelings, then did that make me a hypocrite? Chakotay bared his soul to me on New Earth, yet I continued to deny his love for me. And did I love him back? The fear I felt at the idea of letting down the command barriers made it difficult to answer that. But deep down I knew - I was falling in love with my first officer, the honest, trustworthy Chakotay, whom I knew loved me too. And I knew also, that I was going to have to tell him - before it was too late.
I woke up the next day with a splitting headache. Served me right for indulging in Tom's real alcohol. Before I headed for the bridge, I decided to go to Sickbay to get a cure for 'the morning after'.
When I arrived in Sickbay, I found I wasn't the only one who wanted the Doctor's assistance. Ensign Sullivan was sat on a bio-bed, looking a little green.
"What's with Sullivan?" I asked Kes, who was running some tests.
"She came in feeling nauseous," she said, "She thinks perhaps she ate something at the party that disagreed with her. What can I do for you Captain?"
"I indulged a little last night, so I have a bit of a headache." I told her, playing down just how much it hurt. Though perhaps the fact I was nearly squinting from the pressure gave me away.
"I'll just go get you something for that." Kes smiled and headed off to fetch a hypospray.
The Doctor was talking to Sullivan, and I edged a little closer to listen - using my 'Captainly concern for crew health' as an excuse to eavesdrop. "-the results confirm it Ensign. My congratulations."
"Thank you Doctor!" Sullivan looked radiant, "I can't believe it's happened so quickly! We only decided to start a family a few months ago."
"May I ask who the father is?" asked the Doctor, ever the curious one.
Sullivan looked a little apprehensive for a moment, but then brightened, "I guess there's no point us keeping it a secret anymore," she said, smiling, "The father is Commander Chakotay!"
As I stood there, suddenly rooted to the spot, I felt as though my heart was being ripped from me. I was gripped with this sudden sensation of being a caged animal and had to get out of there. I bolted from Sickbay, for once in my life not caring who saw me. By the time I got to my quarters I was nearly blind from the tears streaming down my face. He had been seeing someone else, and hadn't told me? And now he was to become a father? I was mentally kicking myself for being so conceited, thinking he would wait for me. What had I ever done to make him think I would ever come around? I felt so alone, and knew that I had no-one to blame but myself.
POV: Chakotay
"What do you mean, I'm the father? I've barely seen the woman!"
No word in any dictionary in any quadrant of the galaxy could come even close to describing how I felt at that point in time. Confused, disbelieving, angry, betrayed - take your pick, it still wouldn't quite hit the mark. All I knew for sure was that Ensign Sullivan was not pregnant with my child!
The difficult part was going to be convincing everyone else; Sullivan, the Doctor, Kathryn...
Kathryn. I groaned inwardly. I had been so close to breaking down her barriers I could almost taste it. The Christmas party the night before had been a major breakthrough. Now this. I was sure that my years of effort and patience had just been irrevocably torn asunder,
"Commander, if you are not the father of Ensign Sullivan's child," said the Doctor, sarcastic, "Then how do you explain the results of the tests the Captain had me run?"
Kathryn was regarding me closely, hoping, I could see in her eyes, for a reasonable explanation for all this - other than the obvious one. I understood that after she had vanished from Sickbay, leaving a confused Kes in her wake, hangover cure in hand, she had returned, obviously in one of the foulest moods anyone had ever seen, and demanded that the Doctor run test after test to confirm the child's parentage. However, the tests proved positive, amazingly, and I was hauled in to 'answer for myself'.
I sighed, "I don't have a reasonable explanation for you Doctor," I saw Kathryn close her eyes in anguish. She was hugging herself protectively, the way she always does in a personal crisis. It pained me to see it, "All I can say is that, in the four years we've been in this quadrant, I have barely clapped eyes on Sullivan in the mess hall - let alone had a sexual encounter with her!"
Kathryn's eyes squeezed tighter at that. It was all I could do to resist pulling her to me in an attempt to provide comfort. I shook my head, "It's just not possible!"
I looked at Kathryn, silently pleading Please believe me! I'd never lie to you. Her expression told me she wished she could, but was afraid to.
Finally, she turned to the Doctor, "Doctor, I'd like you to examine those results with a fine tooth comb," she ordered, "I want you to be one hundred percent cetain of your findings. Commander, you're with me." She stalked out of Sickbay, with me following meekly in her wake.
POV: Janeway
Once out in the empty corridor, I turned to look at Chakotay, waiting for him to say something - anything! - in his defence. Instead he sighed and leaned his head against the bulkhead "I can't believe this is happening." he stated simply, his tone weary.
You can't? I was incredulous, I can't believe you'd sleep with that girl when I...no, I can't continue that thought. It's too late for us - I can see that now. He's moved on, and I'll just have to live with it. I looked at the tall, dark man, who was close to slamming his fist into the bulkhead, my heart close to breaking. Gods, how I love you Chakotay, I thought, longingly, Why did I wait until it was too late to admit it to myself? There was still one question that needed answering.
"Chakotay, I have to know the truth. Did you sleep with Selina Sullivan?"
"NO!" he practically shouted, "I keep telling you, I barely know her! I would never sleep with Ensign Sullivan - or any of them!"
"Why not?" I found myself asking.
"Because..." he couldn't finish the sentence, and my heart sank deeper.
He sighed again, a mixture of anger and frustration. "Forget it!" he hissed and walked away, leaving me staring after him.
Instead of going to the bridge, I found myself heading to Sullivan's quarters, feeling the need to talk to the woman I felt had stolen Chakotay from me. When the door opened, I found Sullivan sat on her couch, her hand resting in bewildered awe on her still flat abdomen. It was almost like watching Bronwyn Morgan as she dozed towards the end of the party the night before.
"How are you feeling Ensign?" I faked friendly concern. She gazed up at me, the same awe reflected in her face,
"Different, Captain. The same, yet different. I can't believe there's a life growing inside me!"
Neither can I, I thought, "And you're sure Chakotay is the father?"
Sullivan frowned, "Of course! I don't sleep around. Didn't all those tests you ordered prove it?"
"Not to my satisfaction, no," I found myself saying, "When did this 'relationship' start?"
Sullivan smiled dreamily, "Six months ago, on shore leave in the Vanita system. I bumped into him when he was skinny-dipping in the river. Our eyes sort of locked, and that was it. We made wild, passionate love on the riverbank and then started meeting up back here on Voyager. He's a very considerate lover, Captain, I've never known anyone like him."
I simultaneously felt like crying and hitting the ensign. How dare she gloat about sleeping with Chakotay! How dare she be carrying his baby! Speaking of which...
"How did you come to be pregnant? It's rather difficult to have that kind of accident in this day and age."
"We decided we wanted a child a month or so ago, and both stopped taking our shots," she shrugged, then grinned, "I can't wait to tell him - he'll be thrilled!"
"Actually, he's horrified," I told her, too hurt to spare her feelings even if I'd wanted to, "He claims he's barely lain eyes on you in four years."
Sullivan's face went ashen, and she began to cry, "Why would he say something like that? I know he didn't want the crew to know at first, but I thought the baby would change that! It was his initial idea!"
"If it was his idea then he would never hide it," I snapped, getting angrier by the second, "He would shout it over the intra-ship - not deny even knowing you! I think you're lying to us, Chakotay's not the father!"
With that I stormed out of Sullivan's quarters, fighting back tears of anger and despair.
POV: Chakotay
"NO!" I nearly shouted at Kathryn, "I keep telling you, I barely know her! I would never sleep with Ensign Sullivan - or any of them!"
"Why not?" she asked me,
"Because..." I couldn't finish, couldn't once again bare my soul to the woman before me whom I have loved since first seeing her face on my little fighter's view-screen. Couldn't take another knock-back like I got on New Earth. The futility of it all made me angry.
"Forget it!" I hissed and walked away, leaving Kathryn staring after me. I needed to talk to someone, badly. "Computer, location of Lieutenant Torres?"
"Lieutenant Torres is in Lieutenant Morgan's quarters."
My heart lifted slightly. I'd be able to talk to them both, ask their advice. I headed towards Bron's quarters, feeling a little more positive. When I arrived in Bron's quarters, there was no-one in the living area.
"Hylo yna!" I called a greeting in her native language, "Anyone in here?"
"We're in the bedroom, Chakotay!" I heard B'Elanna call. And sure enough, there was Bron, sprawled out on the bed, with B'Elanna sat next to her and Nghaire and another friend, Reuel - the gamma shift helmsman, sat on the opposite side.
"Hey Chakotay!" Bron grinned weakly. "I'd get up to greet you, but I'd have to run for the bathroom within a second!"
I smiled in sympathy, and leaned over to kiss her cheek, "Having a bad day huh?"
"Tell us about it!" groaned Nghaire, "I've never known anyone who's eaten so little since last night bring up so much this afternoon!"
"What's up Chakotay?" asked Reuel, "You look as though someone just dropped you a bombshell?"
I couldn't help but laugh at his perceptiveness, "You sure you're not telepathic? I have had some distressing news." I admitted. B'Elanna was instantly focused on me, loosening her grip on the cold cloth she had been holding on Bron's forehead. Bron removed the cloth and placed it on the bedside cabinet, giving me her full attention also.
I took a deep breath, "You remember how Ensign Sullivan was staring at me a lot last night?" Everyone nodded, "Well, the Captain bumped into her in Sickbay this morning. Turns out she's pregnant...and claims I'm the father!"
Everyone's eyes widened in disbelief, then B'Elanna smiled, "But there are tests-"
"That's just it, B'Ela," I interrupted, "The tests confirm it!"
"What!" gasped Nghaire, "But you haven't....have you?"
I shook my head, "No, I haven't. I have absolutely no interest in Sullivan." I sank onto a free spot on the bed, "I don't know what to do. I haven't slept with her, yet, somehow, that baby has my DNA - and I'm sure she hasn't done what Seska tried to do to me."
Bron gingerly sat up and wrapped her arms around me in comfort, "There's a reason for this," she told me, confidently, "Have patience, and above all stay calm, and you'll find it."
I sighed, thanked them for the lend of their ears and headed to my quarters. Perhaps it would help if I meditated. I'd only been in my quarters five minutes when the door chime sounded.
When I opened the door, I was surprised to see Kathryn stood there. I was instantly concerned by the pain on her face and the dried tear-stains on her cheeks.
"Kathryn!" I ushered her in, quickly, wondering how many of the crew had seen what a state she was in.
"I just spoke to Sullivan," she said, without preamble. A feeling of apprehension grew in me, "She claims you two have been lovers for six months, and it was your suggestion to have a child!"
I sank to the sofa, increasingly astonished by the tangled web being woven around me with no easy means of escape. Kathryn joined me on the sofa, watching my reactions.
"When did she say it started exactly?"
"Shore leave on Vanita."
Hope sprung eternal. I shook my head, "I never took shore-leave there. Check with Tuvok. And as for the baby - my shots are up to date, as the Doctor could confirm. Besides, if I had chosen to have a child I would never deny it."
"That's what I told her. She's convinced the two of you are lovers though."
"But do you believe it?" I asked earnestly. I was desperate for her to believe me, not Sullivan. But could Kathryn Janeway, the scientist, look past test results and follow her gut instincts?
"I don't know," she admitted, "I want to believe you, but I'm not sure. Some of her story doesn't feel right, but she's convinced it's the truth."
I sat back, contemplating, "The universe seems to want to force me to become a father without participating," I mused, ruefully.
"Do you want children?" Kathryn asked, curious. I gave her a steady look,
"Yes, I do," I admitted, "I often long for the day that special someone-" You I thought silently, "-tells me she's pregnant with my child. My life would then be complete, whole."
"I never thought about children before we came to this quadrant," she told me, "I always thought that there would be time for that later. That incident with Tom, and then Q's advances, really brought it to the forefront for a little while."
"So how do you feel about them now?" Despite myself, I was getting excited and hopeful. Maybe she was finally warming to me after all.
"Now," she sighed, "I have too many responsibilities here. I don't think I could juggle running the ship and caring for a child."
"That's what Executive Officers are for," I gave her the most reassuring smile I could muster, "To ease the Captain's burden when necessary."
"But what if it's the Exec's burden too?" My heart leapt into my throat in thrilled surprise, but Kathryn paled in horror. Obviously she hadn't meant to say that aloud, but the realisation pleased me even more. "I - I should go!"
"No!" I held her fast. No way was I going to let her just run off without an explanation, "I have to know, did you mean that?"
"No," she said, but I could see in her eyes she was lying, "I'm just letting this get to me. Being around Lt Morgan from Stellar is making me broody, that's all."
There was suddenly a painful sensation in my chest, right about where my heart used to be. I realised that she couldn't bring herself to tell me the truth, because she felt she could no longer trust me. I released her and turned away, so she wouldn't see that my heart was breaking.
I heard the door swoosh closed behind me, and turned and collapsed onto the sofa. What was happening here? Kathryn was taking this as badly as I was - had she finally come to feel something for me? All the signs were there; she was jealous of the idea of my being with Sullivan, and had just damned near confessed to wanting to have a child with me someday. How I had longed to simply hold her for so long now! The absence of her was a physical pain coursing through every fibre of my being.
"Sickbay to Commander Chakotay."
"Chakotay here. What is it Doctor?"
"Commander, please report to Sickbay. I'd like to discuss the results of the latest tests with you."
"On my way, Doctor." What on Earth could he want to tell me that we didn't already know? I wondered, and headed out of my quarters with dread.
When I got to Sickbay, Kathryn was already there. I could see a mixture of fear and hope in her eyes that mirrored my own.
"Ah, there you are Commander," the Doctor seemed a little more smug than normal - if that was possible, "The test results the Captain had me go over have brought some interesting things to light. However, they also shed doubt on your being the father of Sullivan's child."
Relief washed through me, and I could see Kathryn close her eyes briefly. When she opened them again, she looked happier than she had all day. "What confirmed it?" I asked
"There is a strand of alien DNA embedded deep in the child's genetic make-up," The Doctor showed us a DNA chart, "It looks as though the alien strand imitates any genetic sequence it chooses - in this case the Commanders - to a sufficient degree that only the most detailed search possible would show the truth."
"But why me? And where did this alien strand come from?"
"Are you saying we may have an intruder aboard?" Kathryn demanded, her relief replaced by concern for the ship's safety. "That we've been carrying around an alien who likes to impersonate members of my crew for the last six months?"
"That would seem the most plausible explanation, Captain."
Kathryn hit her comm-badge, "Janeway to Tuvok, report to sickbay immediately!"
"Acknowledged."
Within minutes, Tuvok strode through the doors of Sickbay.
"Tuvok, we may have an intruder going around this ship impersonating crew-members," Kathryn told him, wasting no time with pleasantries, "He may have been on board for the past six months."
"Indeed?" The Vulcan considered this; I could sense his annoyance that such a thing had gotten past him for such an apparent length of time, "How would you suggest we go about apprehending the intruder? His apparent camouflage abilities would seem to make this difficult."
"I don't want to frighten him into hiding, so this will be a covert operation. I want twenty-four hour surveillance on Ensign Sullivan's quarters," Kathryn ordered, "We know he frequents there, so that is the best place to start." I nodded my agreement, relieved that this would soon be sorted out.
"And what form is he known to assume there?" Tuvok asked the question I found I'd been looking forward to.
"Mine," I told him, enjoying the look of surprise that registered on his face, for all his Vulcan training. What's the matter Tuvok? Don't think anyone could find me attractive? Must get you to chat to Bron sometime...."So I shall be working with you closely on this - that way there will be no doubt as to where I am at all times."
"A logical suggestion," he conceded, "Do we have any means of confirming you are indeed who you say you are?"
The Doctor was ready for this one; "I will scan his DNA for the alien strand before you leave," he suggested, "And then the Commander will wear a medical monitor at all times, so I can keep tabs on his whereabouts should you be separated at any time."
"Good," said Kathryn, raring to go and obviously feeling a lot better in herself now she had some answers and a concrete plan of action, "Get on it. I want this intruder off my ship as soon as possible!"
Many hours later, Tuvok and I sat in the Security Office listening to any and every noise that came from Sullivan's quarters. I was struck by Deja Vu - this was so like the time we kept watch over the computer in order to catch Seska red-handed. Then, as now, we'd played cards to pass the time.
Kathryn had kept vigil with us for a time - snoozing in her chair at one point from lack of sleep - leaving only when her morning shift came, but not before she had robbed us both of a few days worth of replicator rations in a midnight poker game!
"I find Captain Janeway's reaction to this situation somewhat inappropriate." Tuvok commented after a long period of silence. I studied him a moment,
"How so, Tuvok?"
"She seems to feel it as a personal insult. Her initial reaction to Sullivan's pregnancy was one of outrage and jealousy - as though the ensign had stolen something from her."
"I did notice she was taking it rather personally," I agreed, "I'm not sure what to make of it."
"You are attracted to the Captain, are you not?" It was more of a statement than a question. I had half expected this, but it still surprised me.
"Tuvok," I looked him straight in the eyes, so he could have no doubts about my sincerity, "I'm in love with her. I have been for a long, long time, and I would never do anything to harm her."
"I thought as much," Tuvok nodded, "I must confess to having had misgivings about the two of you developing a relationship; but now I see that you would be good for her, and I know that you should treat her correctly. If you wish to pursue your feelings, then I shall not attempt to stand in your way."
Coming from anyone else, I reflected, that would sound egotistical. But this was Tuvok, Kathryn's oldest friend and confidant. She would take his recommendations seriously, and would have to do a lot of soul searching before she decided to ignore them.
"I appreciate the vote of confidence, Tuvok, " I said, dryly, "But it took me four years just to get her to chat to me off duty! What chance do I have of getting any closer in the near future - especially after what's happened."
"I think the Captain is having to attempt to deal with feelings for you she was denying to herself she had," The Vulcan suggested, "They were so obvious, that even I noticed them. This may well prove a turning point for you both."
"I hope so. Seventy years is a long time to spend tying to get her to agree to dinner-"
"Chakotay! Where have you been?" Sullivan's tearful voice came over the speakers.
"I'm sorry sweetheart," Hearing my own voice sent a shiver down my spine, "I was stuck in Engineering, helping B'Elanna with a problem."
"Couldn't you at least have called? I know you won't let me call you-"
"That's right, I need my work and my personal life separate."
"I shall dispatch a security team." Tuvok said,
"No, not yet!" I insisted, "I want to hear how he gets out of what the Captain told Sullivan earlier."
As if on cue;"Chakotay, I've news. We're going to have a baby!"
The words sent a pang through my heart, which I couldn't hide from Tuvok. His eyebrow rose at the pained expression on my face,
"Really? Oh Selina, that's great!" It was agony trying to picture what my dopelganger was doing. I knew that if it was me, I'd have swung Kathryn around gently, ecstatic, and then carefully laid her on the bed....no, better stop that thought.
"It is?" Sullivan's voice was shaky, "The Captain said you already knew, and that you were horrified!"
"The Captain? How does she know?" He was sounding a little worried now, which gave me an strong sense of satisfaction. Let the bastard squirm, I thought, he deserves it for all the grief he's put me through today.
"She was in Sickbay when I found out. She demanded tests - I've never seen her so furious. Why would she lie?"
"Maybe she's jealous," there was the sound of kissing - we would have to make a move soon, or things could get embarrassing, "Nothing for you to worry about, my angel."
"My angel?" I chuckled, "I'd never say that! Enough's enough Tuvok, Let's get him!"
POV: Ensign Sullivan
"I don't care what the Captain said, Selina. I'm thrilled you're having my baby!"
I sighed contentedly. Could life get any better? I wondered, I have a wonderful man who loves me, and our child on the way. No, life doesn't get much better!
I had no sooner completed that thought when the door opened, without warning, and a security team stormed in, followed by Lt. Tuvok. I was so shocked, I found myself rooted to the floor.
"What's the meaning of this?" Demanded Chakotay, furiously. I'd never seen my gentle man so angry.
"You, sir, are under arrest." Tuvok informed him, coolly. I buried myself in Chakotay's arm, wondering if the Captain had gone mad with jealousy. I'd never known her to be this vindictive though!
"On whose authority?" Chakotay demanded, as the guards gently prised me away from him and held him fast.
"Mine."
I couldn't believe it. Had I just heard Chakotay's voice from the doorway? But he was standing right next to me! I turned slowly, dreading what I might see, and there he was; another Chakotay, with a medical monitor on his arm.
"What?" I couldn't comprehend what was going on, "But..."
"I'm afraid you've been tricked, Ensign," said the Chakotay with the monitor, his manner gentle and sympathetic, but not the loving Chakotay knew - or thought I knew, "This person is an alien who can take on another's face, presumably to manipulate people," he turned to his double, "Am I right?"
I turned to my lover, praying he could prove this a lie - that the Chakotay with Tuvok was the impostor, not him. But he shrugged, his face full of regret as he looked at me,
"Partially," he agreed, "We change our appearance to resemble whoever the person fantasises about, and then, if children some into the picture, we can take on the DNA of the person we imitate to a certain degree - enough to fool most scans. It is our means of propagation."
"You mean you used me?" I was devastated, "How many others have you been seducing?" He shook his head, his face so full of remorse I nearly felt pity on him,
"You don't understand," he said, sadly, "When we take a partner it is for a lifetime, much as your species attempts to do when they take a mate."
I couldn't help wonder how much of that was truth and how much was simply meaningless platitudes designed to win me over again, "Take him away!" I hissed, feeling tears start to flow unbidden down my cheeks.
The security team frog-marched him out of the door, and Chakotay - the real Chakotay - came up to me and put his arms around me in a brotherly bear-hug. It was meant to comfort, but it made the pain all the more acute. "Ssssh, it's okay," he whispered, "What are you going to do now?"
"I don't know!" I sobbed, and I didn't. What would I do, now that my reason for existence had turned out to be nothing but a lie, "Ten minutes ago, my life was perfect, now I have nothing!"
"You have your child, if you choose to keep it." he said, but I could see in his eyes the discomfort he felt at that idea. The child would, in essence, be his. How would he cope with that, a child that was his, and yet not his, aboard Voyager?
"But I wouldn't have you!" I sniffed. He gently tilted my chin up to meet his gaze,
"You never really had me in the first place," he reminded me softly, "Just someone who looked like me." "And now he's gone." The pain doubled, and I began to cry again, harder than before,
"He was so good to me Commander. No-one ever cared about me that way before - or ever will again!" Having no satisfactory response, Chakotay hugged me again, kissed my forehead and bade farewell. Leaving me all alone to think about what the future held in store for me and my unborn child.
POV: Chakotay
I left Ensign Sullivan's quarters feeling as though I'd done a terrible thing, even though I knew it was for the best. I couldn't help wondering, had I been in Selina's place with the imposter posing as Kathryn, would I want to find out, and have my world turned upside down in a matter of moments? Though I couldn't help feeling used over the fact the alien had posed as me to win her affection, I also felt very sorry for her.
Once the doors were closed, I tapped my comm-badge, "Chakotay to Kes,"
"Kes here, what can I do for you Commander?" came the little Ocampan's sing-song voice,
"I need someone to sit with Ensign Sullivan, Kes. She's just had a very traumatic experience. I'd like you, or whoever her best friend is, to keep an eye on her."
"I'll see what I can do." she promised
"Thank you, Kes. I'm very grateful. Chakotay out." cutting communication, I headed for the brig.
I arrived there at the same time Kathryn did. She saw me and gestured for me to remain outside.
"I want to speak to him alone for a moment," she told me. As I watched her walk in, I wished I could be a fly on the wall - I'd have loved to know what she wanted to ask the alien that she didn't want me to hear.
POV: Janeway
My heart was pounding as I approached the holding cell. I had no idea why I had come down here, when Tuvok could very easily handle this alone, or why I had made Chakotay stay outside - I just knew I had to see the alien, alone.
I stared at the alien, who was still wearing Chakotay's face, for a long time. I was amazed at the perfection of every little detail, then even more amazed that I knew my first officer well enough to judge. Finally it was he who broke the silence, and even his voice was perfect.
"You've taken exception to the face I chose, haven't you," he said, his voice a little hostile, which was understandable in the circumstances, "Or is it just that I picked Selina and not you?"
I was surprised by this, "What makes you ask that?" I demanded.
The alien smiled that smile of Chakotay's that always makes me go weak at the knees, "He means more to you that you can admit," he said simply, "Selina simply fantasised about this man - but he has captured your very soul. My species can recognise this. You, however, seem to want to deny it."
"It raises too many complications," I said, surprised at myself for confessing this, yet unable to stop myself. Maybe I just needed to talk to someone, and here was someone willing to listen, "They drill it into you back home about not getting involved with officers under your command; it can seriously impair judgement in a crisis. Just look at how I reacted when I thought Chakotay was seeing Selina! I have never been so out of control!"
"That's because you've never truly been in love before, until now," the alien said. I was about to protest, but then I realised that he was right. I had never felt anything close to this for Mark, or for Justin really, though that would certainly have grown with time, "I think you're stronger than that really," the alien continued, "Such an involvement would simply provide you with greater incentive to achieve your goals."
"But what if I was send him out an assignment where he might die?" It was a fear I couldn't deny, that kept nagging at me over and over. It was a large part of what had held me back for so long.
The alien sighed, looking at me with tolerance and sympathy, "I haven't been amongst your crew much since I've been aboard," he confessed. I was immensely relieved by this, "But I do understand that everyone here took an oath, even the rebels who joined your crew, to die if the situation called for it. Chakotay is no different. Besides, haven't you conquered fear before? Go to him, Captain - I'm not going anywhere."
He was right. I had conquered fear before, and I had promised myself it would never get the better of me again. But this was not the right time to think about myself,
"Now is not the right time," I told him, "I have too many responsibilities-"
"Isn't his job to release you from too many responsibilities?" he interrupted, echoing Chakotay's earlier words, "Think how much easier it would be if you shared at such a deeper level. If he feels the same way about you, you'd be a fool not to share your life with him. Trust me, my species knows about this."
"That's something I need to talk to you about," I deliberately changed the subject, "Your species. Why did you do this?" I desperately wanted to avoid the temptation to do as he suggested. He noticed this and sighed.
"If I tell you, will you talk to him?" he seemed determined to play cupid for some reason,
"I can't promise that!"
"He's outside?" I nodded, "Then bring him in. He deserves an explanation at least as much as you do."
POV: Chakotay
Kathryn came back out into the corridor, an apprehensive look on her face, and beckoned me in. I kept my features as calm as I could, but I'm sure she could see the unease in my eyes that mirrored her own. It's a daunting thing to have to face a stranger who has assumed your appearance. He was sat on the cot in the holding cell, content as you please.
"I thought you deserved to hear my explanation," he told me, in a kindly voice.
"I'm listening," I responded, intrigued as to what the two of them had been discussing for so long. In the corridor, my ears had been tingling - a sure sign, according to my grandmother, that you are being talked about.
"My species has the ability to change our appearance to anything we can think of - either superficially or on a genetic level. We were once the marvel of this sector for our travelling shows. That was until we were struck with a genetic disorder that killed all our females. Even now, our daughters never reach maturity. We have been forced to find mates among women from other species in order to survive."
"But why did you assume my face?" This was the thing I most wanted to know, and the selfishness of that surprised me a little.
"One of the side effects of the disorder is that some of us are born with aesthetically unpleasant appearances that revolt the females of most species. The plus, however, is that we also inherited the ability to see in a person's mind the person they fantasize about," I hoped he didn't notice the way my face went read at that comment, "Whose likeness we can then assume, even down to the DNA code.That way, the child that hopefully results is, in essence, that person's child but with our abilities. I meant no harm by Selina, and we aren't child-stealers if that is what concerns you. We just try to keep our species alive as best we can."
"What about Selina?" Kathryn asked, "What will become of her?"
"The plan was to persuade her to leave the ship and roam the sector with me. She is unhappy here - or else I wouldn't have approached her. I would have ensured her happiness for a lifetime, she would have wanted for nothing."
"Noble sentiments," Kathryn agreed, tersely, "But she would be living a lie. And it was unwise to choose someone from such a close knit society such as this. Her pregnancy would have caused questions, and the confrontation with Chakotay could have been ten times worse."
And what would it have been like if Kathryn and I had begun a relationship before this came to a head? I could see in her eyes as she glanced at me that the same thought was going through her head. This could have been very, very ugly.
The alien shrugged, "I just saw her in the Vanita System, and knew we were destined to be together."
"Sounds like 'love at first sight'." I commented, stealing another glance at Kathryn. She was blushing slightly...
The alien smiled at us, "You sound as though you speak from experience, Commander." Now it was my turn to blush! He gave Kathryn a significant look, which she pretended to ignore.
"We'll drop you off at our next supply stop," she told him, attempting to get back to business, "I'll let Ensign Sullivan decide for herself what she wants to do."
"You've been most compassionate, Captain," he thanked her, "I know I deserve to be punished for my actions - I was following my heart rather than my head."
"Sometimes we pay too much attention to our heads." she said enigmatically, glancing at me for a moment then heading for the door. I followed, stunned; this was getting very confusing. Should I act on the signals she was sending me? Or should I maintain the distance she'd been insisting on for so long? I knew what my heart was telling me!
POV: Janeway
"Kathryn, we need to talk."
I sighed, and turned to face him, glad that the corridor was empty, "I know, Chakotay. I'm sorry I doubted you about Sullivan-"
"That's not what I need to talk to you about!" he cut me off, "Kath...I love you, and I need to know if you feel the same way?"
I was stunned. His confession of love had caught me unawares. But I knew exactly how to respond.
"Chakotay," I sighed, "I've loved you for quite some time now. I was going to tell you yesterday morning but then all this happened."
The look on his face was too beautiful to adequately describe. In the space of a nanosecond he had me in his arms and was kissing me, so tenderly. It was as though I was like fine porcelain to him and he feared his strength.
I responded wholeheartedly, encouraging him to pick up the pace a little. Before long, I heard him moan in pleasure, evidently becoming aroused. I pulled away from him with extreme reluctance.
"Now is not the time for that, Commander." I said sadly, using his rank as an anchor to pull us both back to the here and now.
"Will there be a time?" he asked, half sly, half wary.
"Count on it!" I grinned, "I've wasted too much time as it is!"
Smiling, he took my hand and lead me to the turbo-lift. We remained connected throughout the ride, Chakotay stoking my hand absently with a finger. I had not felt as contented in quite some time. We parted with a quick kiss before the turbo-lift door opened, and we walked down to our seats. For the rest of the shift, I had some very pleasant scenarios playing in my head.
Diwedd. (The End)
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating: PG
Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Authors Note: (From original posting) This could not have been written without the encouragement of Kallanna, who kept wanting to read the next part while we were on holiday in Spain, and the writing tips of Alryssa.
I'd also like to thank Eleanor Morgan, though she's too young to read this story, for the Terry's Chocolate Orange she gave me for Christmas. It helped keep me awake Christmas Eve as I was writing this! And the fantastic band Queen, for keeping me company as I wrote/typed.
Disclaimer: All characters property of Paramount (aka God and my boss....) except for Bron, who is exclusively mine, and Nghaire, Jenny and Rhys, who belong to my friends but let me make use of them. You all know who you are!
POV: Janeway
I was a little uneasy about Tom Paris' suggestion to celebrate Christmas on an M-class planet that we would 'conveniently' reach in the evening of December 25th. Christmas hasn't been the same since Daddy and Justin died, and after we arrived here in the Delta Quadrant, I've tried to ignore it even more. I could tell that would now be difficult.
It was a perfect location; lush green forests with no indigenous life - wild or otherwise. And the rest of the senior staff were so enthusiastic about the idea - even Tuvok - that in the end I had to give in.
"So what's the general feeling amongst the crew at the moment, Chakotay?" I regarded my rather handsome XO, who was sat near me on the Ready Room sofa, relaxed and smiling warmly at me.
"Everyone's very excited," his smile broadened and my heart began beating faster. He has no idea what the sight of those dimples does to me, "We're all looking forward to spending Christmas on a planet for a change."
"It should be a good evening." I agreed. I knew a lot of preparation was going into tonight's festivities. I'd had comm-calls from Neelix every ten minutes all morning, to approve this dish, and shang-hai that crew-member to help in the kitchen. Still, Christmas hasn't been my favourite holiday for a long time, second only to my birthday. All those days ever do is remind me that I'm alone and not getting any younger. Maybe that's why my thoughts keep straying to Chakotay a lot lately - a natural wish to have someone, anyone, to talk to and to hold me in bed....
It's been too long.
He must have noticed a change in my mood, as he suddenly looked worried.
"You will be there - won't you Kathryn?"
I shot him a look - I hate it when he gets perceptive.
"Of course I will," I said, though I was already contemplating how to beg off, "I just find this time of year...brings back too many memories - mostly painful ones."
He looked at me with sympathetic understanding, then his expression turned earnest - which on him looks adorable.
"The only way to beat that is to make new, pleasant memories," he paused, as if unsure of his next words, "I've been asked to make a request of you, though I was going to ask you anyway..."
"What is it?" I could tell he was nervous.
"A few of us are getting together planet-side - everyone's grouping up - and we were wondering if you'd join us. Bron's spending all of today cooking up stuff for us!" he added, as though that would convince me.
"Bron?"
"Lt. Morgan from Stellar. She's been saving her rations for the past six months so she can replicate loads of ingredients to make all sorts of traditional things. Mince pies, fruit cake, trifle, turkey sandwiches, that kind of thing."
I laughed, "Why sandwiches?"
Chakotay grinned, "She says that we may as well have them straight off, as it's traditional fare after Christmas anyway. She also doesn't have the time or energy to do a full meat and three veg dinner, if truth be told. So, will you join us?"
"I'll think about it," non-committal, as always, "Right now, Commander, we have work to do." I smiled sweetly at him.
"Aye Captain." he chuckled, content.
Planet-fall went smoothly that evening. We were all pleased when Tom's scans confirmed that the surface would support Voyager's weight. That way, more of the crew could take part at the same time, without Chakotay having to worry about transporter schedules. The resulting power savings enabled us to do a special one-day-only increase in ration allowance for everyone. I'm told this thrilled Bronwyn Morgan, as she could then replicate more food for Chakotay's little party.
It took me several hours, and more than a few pestering comm-calls from Chakotay and B'Elanna, to finally agree to join the party. It then took another hour or so to decide what to wear. I finally settled on a pair of jeans and an aran jumper - the planet wasn't cold, but it also wasn't the height of summer out there. I also decided to leave my hair down - wondering how Chakotay would react. The man is fascinated by my hair!
The party itself was a sight to behold. Hundreds of small groups sat close together, around little fires. When I found Chakotay's group, they were all happily toasting marshmallows around their own fire. There was also a fondue pot, full of something brown and sticky-looking. The aroma of chocolate wafted over, and...was that coffee?
"Captain!" B'Elanna spotted me and waved me over with her free hand. She then began to curse as the stick in her other hand dipped and her marshmallow touched the flames. This caused the sugar to burn away in rather beautiful blue sparks. Chakotay got up from the ground and came over to greet me. He held me at arms length for a few moments, admiring the sight of me in civvies and with my hair down.
"Glad you could make it, Kathryn," he grinned at me, "You look stunning!" I fervently hoped he wouldn't notice how weak my knees had gone when he smiled. Maybe it was the setting, but the effect he had on me had suddenly increased in strength. I just smiled back, unsure of my voice, and let him lead me back to the group, where he began to introduce me to the unfamiliar faces. B'Elanna, Tom and Harry grinned at me in greeting as I sat down between Chakotay and B'Elanna.
"This is Lt. Nghaire Collins, one of B'Elanna's staff," a girl with long black hair and piercing eyes gave me a welcoming smile, which I returned with warmth, "Ensign Jenny Grayson, from Stellar Cartography," a lithe red-headed woman waved hello at me - I couldn't help but grin, "Crewman Rhys ap Meical, also from engineering," a very tall Maquis crewman stood up and offered me his hand. I shook it, amused by the formality, "And Lt. Bronwyn Morgan, who's responsible for all this real food!" a tiny, slip of a girl with brown hair who'd been pottering off to one side throughout the introductions handed me a cup of coffee with a grin.
"Please, call me Bron," she told me, in a lilting Welsh accent, "I hate formality when I'm off-duty. And as for the food, I had a great deal of help from Ni and Jen." As she sat down, she nestled snuggly against Crewman Meical, who lovingly put his arm around her. It was then that I noticed her slightly swollen abdomen - she must have been around five months pregnant, at a guess.
"Bron it is then," I sipped my coffee and gave her a grateful smile. Tom handed me a stick with a marshmallow on the end, which I began to toast, "How are you doing? I remember reading the Doctor's report on you a little while ago." Despite myself, I couldn't help feeling lonely, and a little jealous, watching the happy family-to-be. Thankfully, I managed to keep it out of my voice.
"I'm fine now," she said, smiling ruefully, "But I was not a pretty sight lunchtime! Most days, just the sight of Neelix's cooking makes me feel queasy."
"We really should talk to him about the effects his food has on the pregnant crew-members," Chakotay agreed, smiling at Bron with a twinkle in his eyes. He turned that devastating smile on me, "It was not pleasant holding Bron's hair away from her face as she leaned over the kitchen sink! Neelix was most upset!"
I smiled in sympathy, but some jealous part of me couldn't help but wonder why it had been Chakotay holding Lt. Morgan's hair, and not Crewman Meical.
"Chakotay..." B'Elanna's tone was wary, "Why is that woman over there staring at you like that?"
Chakotay frowned, and cautiously glanced where B'Elanna was surreptitiously pointing. He shrugged, "Maybe she's just another female crew-member with a crush on me." another merry smile at Bron. I didn't know what to make of it.
"That's Sonia Sullivan," commented Jenny, "An ensign that works with us in Stellar."
"Oh yeah, I know her!" piped up Nghaire, "She's a very odd soul, keeps to herself."
"Have you developed some kind of fanclub, Chakotay?" I couldn't help but ask, " 'The Chakotay Estrogen Brigade' perhaps?" Chakotay's smile faltered a moment.
"Oh yes, he said, recovering with a sly grin, "They have monthly get-togethers on the holodeck. And some of the stuff on the mailing lists..."
"Maybe I should sign up!" Ohmigod, I thought, Did I just say that? I can't believe I said that!
There was a brief pause, then to my relief B'Elanna started asking Bron about names for the baby.
The evening went quite smoothly from then on. We all complemented Bron and her willing assistants Jenny and Nghaire on their food efforts - Nghaire's chocolate fudge cake was heavenly. There was an amusing moment when Tom and Harry got into a debate over which of them could get dates with Nghaire and Jenny, much to Jenny's amusement and Nghaire and B'Elanna's dismay. Harry landed himself a lunch-date with Jenny, but Nghaire was having nothing of it. She played ice-maiden all night, to Tom's disappointment and B'Elanna's relief. My Chief Engineer is definitely harbouring a soft spot for Tom Paris, and if he knows then he's being a fool for ignoring it.
When I got to bed in the early hours of Boxing Day, I couldn't help thinking about Chakotay. If I believed Paris a fool for ignoring Torres' feelings, then did that make me a hypocrite? Chakotay bared his soul to me on New Earth, yet I continued to deny his love for me. And did I love him back? The fear I felt at the idea of letting down the command barriers made it difficult to answer that. But deep down I knew - I was falling in love with my first officer, the honest, trustworthy Chakotay, whom I knew loved me too. And I knew also, that I was going to have to tell him - before it was too late.
I woke up the next day with a splitting headache. Served me right for indulging in Tom's real alcohol. Before I headed for the bridge, I decided to go to Sickbay to get a cure for 'the morning after'.
When I arrived in Sickbay, I found I wasn't the only one who wanted the Doctor's assistance. Ensign Sullivan was sat on a bio-bed, looking a little green.
"What's with Sullivan?" I asked Kes, who was running some tests.
"She came in feeling nauseous," she said, "She thinks perhaps she ate something at the party that disagreed with her. What can I do for you Captain?"
"I indulged a little last night, so I have a bit of a headache." I told her, playing down just how much it hurt. Though perhaps the fact I was nearly squinting from the pressure gave me away.
"I'll just go get you something for that." Kes smiled and headed off to fetch a hypospray.
The Doctor was talking to Sullivan, and I edged a little closer to listen - using my 'Captainly concern for crew health' as an excuse to eavesdrop. "-the results confirm it Ensign. My congratulations."
"Thank you Doctor!" Sullivan looked radiant, "I can't believe it's happened so quickly! We only decided to start a family a few months ago."
"May I ask who the father is?" asked the Doctor, ever the curious one.
Sullivan looked a little apprehensive for a moment, but then brightened, "I guess there's no point us keeping it a secret anymore," she said, smiling, "The father is Commander Chakotay!"
As I stood there, suddenly rooted to the spot, I felt as though my heart was being ripped from me. I was gripped with this sudden sensation of being a caged animal and had to get out of there. I bolted from Sickbay, for once in my life not caring who saw me. By the time I got to my quarters I was nearly blind from the tears streaming down my face. He had been seeing someone else, and hadn't told me? And now he was to become a father? I was mentally kicking myself for being so conceited, thinking he would wait for me. What had I ever done to make him think I would ever come around? I felt so alone, and knew that I had no-one to blame but myself.
POV: Chakotay
"What do you mean, I'm the father? I've barely seen the woman!"
No word in any dictionary in any quadrant of the galaxy could come even close to describing how I felt at that point in time. Confused, disbelieving, angry, betrayed - take your pick, it still wouldn't quite hit the mark. All I knew for sure was that Ensign Sullivan was not pregnant with my child!
The difficult part was going to be convincing everyone else; Sullivan, the Doctor, Kathryn...
Kathryn. I groaned inwardly. I had been so close to breaking down her barriers I could almost taste it. The Christmas party the night before had been a major breakthrough. Now this. I was sure that my years of effort and patience had just been irrevocably torn asunder,
"Commander, if you are not the father of Ensign Sullivan's child," said the Doctor, sarcastic, "Then how do you explain the results of the tests the Captain had me run?"
Kathryn was regarding me closely, hoping, I could see in her eyes, for a reasonable explanation for all this - other than the obvious one. I understood that after she had vanished from Sickbay, leaving a confused Kes in her wake, hangover cure in hand, she had returned, obviously in one of the foulest moods anyone had ever seen, and demanded that the Doctor run test after test to confirm the child's parentage. However, the tests proved positive, amazingly, and I was hauled in to 'answer for myself'.
I sighed, "I don't have a reasonable explanation for you Doctor," I saw Kathryn close her eyes in anguish. She was hugging herself protectively, the way she always does in a personal crisis. It pained me to see it, "All I can say is that, in the four years we've been in this quadrant, I have barely clapped eyes on Sullivan in the mess hall - let alone had a sexual encounter with her!"
Kathryn's eyes squeezed tighter at that. It was all I could do to resist pulling her to me in an attempt to provide comfort. I shook my head, "It's just not possible!"
I looked at Kathryn, silently pleading Please believe me! I'd never lie to you. Her expression told me she wished she could, but was afraid to.
Finally, she turned to the Doctor, "Doctor, I'd like you to examine those results with a fine tooth comb," she ordered, "I want you to be one hundred percent cetain of your findings. Commander, you're with me." She stalked out of Sickbay, with me following meekly in her wake.
POV: Janeway
Once out in the empty corridor, I turned to look at Chakotay, waiting for him to say something - anything! - in his defence. Instead he sighed and leaned his head against the bulkhead "I can't believe this is happening." he stated simply, his tone weary.
You can't? I was incredulous, I can't believe you'd sleep with that girl when I...no, I can't continue that thought. It's too late for us - I can see that now. He's moved on, and I'll just have to live with it. I looked at the tall, dark man, who was close to slamming his fist into the bulkhead, my heart close to breaking. Gods, how I love you Chakotay, I thought, longingly, Why did I wait until it was too late to admit it to myself? There was still one question that needed answering.
"Chakotay, I have to know the truth. Did you sleep with Selina Sullivan?"
"NO!" he practically shouted, "I keep telling you, I barely know her! I would never sleep with Ensign Sullivan - or any of them!"
"Why not?" I found myself asking.
"Because..." he couldn't finish the sentence, and my heart sank deeper.
He sighed again, a mixture of anger and frustration. "Forget it!" he hissed and walked away, leaving me staring after him.
Instead of going to the bridge, I found myself heading to Sullivan's quarters, feeling the need to talk to the woman I felt had stolen Chakotay from me. When the door opened, I found Sullivan sat on her couch, her hand resting in bewildered awe on her still flat abdomen. It was almost like watching Bronwyn Morgan as she dozed towards the end of the party the night before.
"How are you feeling Ensign?" I faked friendly concern. She gazed up at me, the same awe reflected in her face,
"Different, Captain. The same, yet different. I can't believe there's a life growing inside me!"
Neither can I, I thought, "And you're sure Chakotay is the father?"
Sullivan frowned, "Of course! I don't sleep around. Didn't all those tests you ordered prove it?"
"Not to my satisfaction, no," I found myself saying, "When did this 'relationship' start?"
Sullivan smiled dreamily, "Six months ago, on shore leave in the Vanita system. I bumped into him when he was skinny-dipping in the river. Our eyes sort of locked, and that was it. We made wild, passionate love on the riverbank and then started meeting up back here on Voyager. He's a very considerate lover, Captain, I've never known anyone like him."
I simultaneously felt like crying and hitting the ensign. How dare she gloat about sleeping with Chakotay! How dare she be carrying his baby! Speaking of which...
"How did you come to be pregnant? It's rather difficult to have that kind of accident in this day and age."
"We decided we wanted a child a month or so ago, and both stopped taking our shots," she shrugged, then grinned, "I can't wait to tell him - he'll be thrilled!"
"Actually, he's horrified," I told her, too hurt to spare her feelings even if I'd wanted to, "He claims he's barely lain eyes on you in four years."
Sullivan's face went ashen, and she began to cry, "Why would he say something like that? I know he didn't want the crew to know at first, but I thought the baby would change that! It was his initial idea!"
"If it was his idea then he would never hide it," I snapped, getting angrier by the second, "He would shout it over the intra-ship - not deny even knowing you! I think you're lying to us, Chakotay's not the father!"
With that I stormed out of Sullivan's quarters, fighting back tears of anger and despair.
POV: Chakotay
"NO!" I nearly shouted at Kathryn, "I keep telling you, I barely know her! I would never sleep with Ensign Sullivan - or any of them!"
"Why not?" she asked me,
"Because..." I couldn't finish, couldn't once again bare my soul to the woman before me whom I have loved since first seeing her face on my little fighter's view-screen. Couldn't take another knock-back like I got on New Earth. The futility of it all made me angry.
"Forget it!" I hissed and walked away, leaving Kathryn staring after me. I needed to talk to someone, badly. "Computer, location of Lieutenant Torres?"
"Lieutenant Torres is in Lieutenant Morgan's quarters."
My heart lifted slightly. I'd be able to talk to them both, ask their advice. I headed towards Bron's quarters, feeling a little more positive. When I arrived in Bron's quarters, there was no-one in the living area.
"Hylo yna!" I called a greeting in her native language, "Anyone in here?"
"We're in the bedroom, Chakotay!" I heard B'Elanna call. And sure enough, there was Bron, sprawled out on the bed, with B'Elanna sat next to her and Nghaire and another friend, Reuel - the gamma shift helmsman, sat on the opposite side.
"Hey Chakotay!" Bron grinned weakly. "I'd get up to greet you, but I'd have to run for the bathroom within a second!"
I smiled in sympathy, and leaned over to kiss her cheek, "Having a bad day huh?"
"Tell us about it!" groaned Nghaire, "I've never known anyone who's eaten so little since last night bring up so much this afternoon!"
"What's up Chakotay?" asked Reuel, "You look as though someone just dropped you a bombshell?"
I couldn't help but laugh at his perceptiveness, "You sure you're not telepathic? I have had some distressing news." I admitted. B'Elanna was instantly focused on me, loosening her grip on the cold cloth she had been holding on Bron's forehead. Bron removed the cloth and placed it on the bedside cabinet, giving me her full attention also.
I took a deep breath, "You remember how Ensign Sullivan was staring at me a lot last night?" Everyone nodded, "Well, the Captain bumped into her in Sickbay this morning. Turns out she's pregnant...and claims I'm the father!"
Everyone's eyes widened in disbelief, then B'Elanna smiled, "But there are tests-"
"That's just it, B'Ela," I interrupted, "The tests confirm it!"
"What!" gasped Nghaire, "But you haven't....have you?"
I shook my head, "No, I haven't. I have absolutely no interest in Sullivan." I sank onto a free spot on the bed, "I don't know what to do. I haven't slept with her, yet, somehow, that baby has my DNA - and I'm sure she hasn't done what Seska tried to do to me."
Bron gingerly sat up and wrapped her arms around me in comfort, "There's a reason for this," she told me, confidently, "Have patience, and above all stay calm, and you'll find it."
I sighed, thanked them for the lend of their ears and headed to my quarters. Perhaps it would help if I meditated. I'd only been in my quarters five minutes when the door chime sounded.
When I opened the door, I was surprised to see Kathryn stood there. I was instantly concerned by the pain on her face and the dried tear-stains on her cheeks.
"Kathryn!" I ushered her in, quickly, wondering how many of the crew had seen what a state she was in.
"I just spoke to Sullivan," she said, without preamble. A feeling of apprehension grew in me, "She claims you two have been lovers for six months, and it was your suggestion to have a child!"
I sank to the sofa, increasingly astonished by the tangled web being woven around me with no easy means of escape. Kathryn joined me on the sofa, watching my reactions.
"When did she say it started exactly?"
"Shore leave on Vanita."
Hope sprung eternal. I shook my head, "I never took shore-leave there. Check with Tuvok. And as for the baby - my shots are up to date, as the Doctor could confirm. Besides, if I had chosen to have a child I would never deny it."
"That's what I told her. She's convinced the two of you are lovers though."
"But do you believe it?" I asked earnestly. I was desperate for her to believe me, not Sullivan. But could Kathryn Janeway, the scientist, look past test results and follow her gut instincts?
"I don't know," she admitted, "I want to believe you, but I'm not sure. Some of her story doesn't feel right, but she's convinced it's the truth."
I sat back, contemplating, "The universe seems to want to force me to become a father without participating," I mused, ruefully.
"Do you want children?" Kathryn asked, curious. I gave her a steady look,
"Yes, I do," I admitted, "I often long for the day that special someone-" You I thought silently, "-tells me she's pregnant with my child. My life would then be complete, whole."
"I never thought about children before we came to this quadrant," she told me, "I always thought that there would be time for that later. That incident with Tom, and then Q's advances, really brought it to the forefront for a little while."
"So how do you feel about them now?" Despite myself, I was getting excited and hopeful. Maybe she was finally warming to me after all.
"Now," she sighed, "I have too many responsibilities here. I don't think I could juggle running the ship and caring for a child."
"That's what Executive Officers are for," I gave her the most reassuring smile I could muster, "To ease the Captain's burden when necessary."
"But what if it's the Exec's burden too?" My heart leapt into my throat in thrilled surprise, but Kathryn paled in horror. Obviously she hadn't meant to say that aloud, but the realisation pleased me even more. "I - I should go!"
"No!" I held her fast. No way was I going to let her just run off without an explanation, "I have to know, did you mean that?"
"No," she said, but I could see in her eyes she was lying, "I'm just letting this get to me. Being around Lt Morgan from Stellar is making me broody, that's all."
There was suddenly a painful sensation in my chest, right about where my heart used to be. I realised that she couldn't bring herself to tell me the truth, because she felt she could no longer trust me. I released her and turned away, so she wouldn't see that my heart was breaking.
I heard the door swoosh closed behind me, and turned and collapsed onto the sofa. What was happening here? Kathryn was taking this as badly as I was - had she finally come to feel something for me? All the signs were there; she was jealous of the idea of my being with Sullivan, and had just damned near confessed to wanting to have a child with me someday. How I had longed to simply hold her for so long now! The absence of her was a physical pain coursing through every fibre of my being.
"Sickbay to Commander Chakotay."
"Chakotay here. What is it Doctor?"
"Commander, please report to Sickbay. I'd like to discuss the results of the latest tests with you."
"On my way, Doctor." What on Earth could he want to tell me that we didn't already know? I wondered, and headed out of my quarters with dread.
When I got to Sickbay, Kathryn was already there. I could see a mixture of fear and hope in her eyes that mirrored my own.
"Ah, there you are Commander," the Doctor seemed a little more smug than normal - if that was possible, "The test results the Captain had me go over have brought some interesting things to light. However, they also shed doubt on your being the father of Sullivan's child."
Relief washed through me, and I could see Kathryn close her eyes briefly. When she opened them again, she looked happier than she had all day. "What confirmed it?" I asked
"There is a strand of alien DNA embedded deep in the child's genetic make-up," The Doctor showed us a DNA chart, "It looks as though the alien strand imitates any genetic sequence it chooses - in this case the Commanders - to a sufficient degree that only the most detailed search possible would show the truth."
"But why me? And where did this alien strand come from?"
"Are you saying we may have an intruder aboard?" Kathryn demanded, her relief replaced by concern for the ship's safety. "That we've been carrying around an alien who likes to impersonate members of my crew for the last six months?"
"That would seem the most plausible explanation, Captain."
Kathryn hit her comm-badge, "Janeway to Tuvok, report to sickbay immediately!"
"Acknowledged."
Within minutes, Tuvok strode through the doors of Sickbay.
"Tuvok, we may have an intruder going around this ship impersonating crew-members," Kathryn told him, wasting no time with pleasantries, "He may have been on board for the past six months."
"Indeed?" The Vulcan considered this; I could sense his annoyance that such a thing had gotten past him for such an apparent length of time, "How would you suggest we go about apprehending the intruder? His apparent camouflage abilities would seem to make this difficult."
"I don't want to frighten him into hiding, so this will be a covert operation. I want twenty-four hour surveillance on Ensign Sullivan's quarters," Kathryn ordered, "We know he frequents there, so that is the best place to start." I nodded my agreement, relieved that this would soon be sorted out.
"And what form is he known to assume there?" Tuvok asked the question I found I'd been looking forward to.
"Mine," I told him, enjoying the look of surprise that registered on his face, for all his Vulcan training. What's the matter Tuvok? Don't think anyone could find me attractive? Must get you to chat to Bron sometime...."So I shall be working with you closely on this - that way there will be no doubt as to where I am at all times."
"A logical suggestion," he conceded, "Do we have any means of confirming you are indeed who you say you are?"
The Doctor was ready for this one; "I will scan his DNA for the alien strand before you leave," he suggested, "And then the Commander will wear a medical monitor at all times, so I can keep tabs on his whereabouts should you be separated at any time."
"Good," said Kathryn, raring to go and obviously feeling a lot better in herself now she had some answers and a concrete plan of action, "Get on it. I want this intruder off my ship as soon as possible!"
Many hours later, Tuvok and I sat in the Security Office listening to any and every noise that came from Sullivan's quarters. I was struck by Deja Vu - this was so like the time we kept watch over the computer in order to catch Seska red-handed. Then, as now, we'd played cards to pass the time.
Kathryn had kept vigil with us for a time - snoozing in her chair at one point from lack of sleep - leaving only when her morning shift came, but not before she had robbed us both of a few days worth of replicator rations in a midnight poker game!
"I find Captain Janeway's reaction to this situation somewhat inappropriate." Tuvok commented after a long period of silence. I studied him a moment,
"How so, Tuvok?"
"She seems to feel it as a personal insult. Her initial reaction to Sullivan's pregnancy was one of outrage and jealousy - as though the ensign had stolen something from her."
"I did notice she was taking it rather personally," I agreed, "I'm not sure what to make of it."
"You are attracted to the Captain, are you not?" It was more of a statement than a question. I had half expected this, but it still surprised me.
"Tuvok," I looked him straight in the eyes, so he could have no doubts about my sincerity, "I'm in love with her. I have been for a long, long time, and I would never do anything to harm her."
"I thought as much," Tuvok nodded, "I must confess to having had misgivings about the two of you developing a relationship; but now I see that you would be good for her, and I know that you should treat her correctly. If you wish to pursue your feelings, then I shall not attempt to stand in your way."
Coming from anyone else, I reflected, that would sound egotistical. But this was Tuvok, Kathryn's oldest friend and confidant. She would take his recommendations seriously, and would have to do a lot of soul searching before she decided to ignore them.
"I appreciate the vote of confidence, Tuvok, " I said, dryly, "But it took me four years just to get her to chat to me off duty! What chance do I have of getting any closer in the near future - especially after what's happened."
"I think the Captain is having to attempt to deal with feelings for you she was denying to herself she had," The Vulcan suggested, "They were so obvious, that even I noticed them. This may well prove a turning point for you both."
"I hope so. Seventy years is a long time to spend tying to get her to agree to dinner-"
"Chakotay! Where have you been?" Sullivan's tearful voice came over the speakers.
"I'm sorry sweetheart," Hearing my own voice sent a shiver down my spine, "I was stuck in Engineering, helping B'Elanna with a problem."
"Couldn't you at least have called? I know you won't let me call you-"
"That's right, I need my work and my personal life separate."
"I shall dispatch a security team." Tuvok said,
"No, not yet!" I insisted, "I want to hear how he gets out of what the Captain told Sullivan earlier."
As if on cue;"Chakotay, I've news. We're going to have a baby!"
The words sent a pang through my heart, which I couldn't hide from Tuvok. His eyebrow rose at the pained expression on my face,
"Really? Oh Selina, that's great!" It was agony trying to picture what my dopelganger was doing. I knew that if it was me, I'd have swung Kathryn around gently, ecstatic, and then carefully laid her on the bed....no, better stop that thought.
"It is?" Sullivan's voice was shaky, "The Captain said you already knew, and that you were horrified!"
"The Captain? How does she know?" He was sounding a little worried now, which gave me an strong sense of satisfaction. Let the bastard squirm, I thought, he deserves it for all the grief he's put me through today.
"She was in Sickbay when I found out. She demanded tests - I've never seen her so furious. Why would she lie?"
"Maybe she's jealous," there was the sound of kissing - we would have to make a move soon, or things could get embarrassing, "Nothing for you to worry about, my angel."
"My angel?" I chuckled, "I'd never say that! Enough's enough Tuvok, Let's get him!"
POV: Ensign Sullivan
"I don't care what the Captain said, Selina. I'm thrilled you're having my baby!"
I sighed contentedly. Could life get any better? I wondered, I have a wonderful man who loves me, and our child on the way. No, life doesn't get much better!
I had no sooner completed that thought when the door opened, without warning, and a security team stormed in, followed by Lt. Tuvok. I was so shocked, I found myself rooted to the floor.
"What's the meaning of this?" Demanded Chakotay, furiously. I'd never seen my gentle man so angry.
"You, sir, are under arrest." Tuvok informed him, coolly. I buried myself in Chakotay's arm, wondering if the Captain had gone mad with jealousy. I'd never known her to be this vindictive though!
"On whose authority?" Chakotay demanded, as the guards gently prised me away from him and held him fast.
"Mine."
I couldn't believe it. Had I just heard Chakotay's voice from the doorway? But he was standing right next to me! I turned slowly, dreading what I might see, and there he was; another Chakotay, with a medical monitor on his arm.
"What?" I couldn't comprehend what was going on, "But..."
"I'm afraid you've been tricked, Ensign," said the Chakotay with the monitor, his manner gentle and sympathetic, but not the loving Chakotay knew - or thought I knew, "This person is an alien who can take on another's face, presumably to manipulate people," he turned to his double, "Am I right?"
I turned to my lover, praying he could prove this a lie - that the Chakotay with Tuvok was the impostor, not him. But he shrugged, his face full of regret as he looked at me,
"Partially," he agreed, "We change our appearance to resemble whoever the person fantasises about, and then, if children some into the picture, we can take on the DNA of the person we imitate to a certain degree - enough to fool most scans. It is our means of propagation."
"You mean you used me?" I was devastated, "How many others have you been seducing?" He shook his head, his face so full of remorse I nearly felt pity on him,
"You don't understand," he said, sadly, "When we take a partner it is for a lifetime, much as your species attempts to do when they take a mate."
I couldn't help wonder how much of that was truth and how much was simply meaningless platitudes designed to win me over again, "Take him away!" I hissed, feeling tears start to flow unbidden down my cheeks.
The security team frog-marched him out of the door, and Chakotay - the real Chakotay - came up to me and put his arms around me in a brotherly bear-hug. It was meant to comfort, but it made the pain all the more acute. "Ssssh, it's okay," he whispered, "What are you going to do now?"
"I don't know!" I sobbed, and I didn't. What would I do, now that my reason for existence had turned out to be nothing but a lie, "Ten minutes ago, my life was perfect, now I have nothing!"
"You have your child, if you choose to keep it." he said, but I could see in his eyes the discomfort he felt at that idea. The child would, in essence, be his. How would he cope with that, a child that was his, and yet not his, aboard Voyager?
"But I wouldn't have you!" I sniffed. He gently tilted my chin up to meet his gaze,
"You never really had me in the first place," he reminded me softly, "Just someone who looked like me." "And now he's gone." The pain doubled, and I began to cry again, harder than before,
"He was so good to me Commander. No-one ever cared about me that way before - or ever will again!" Having no satisfactory response, Chakotay hugged me again, kissed my forehead and bade farewell. Leaving me all alone to think about what the future held in store for me and my unborn child.
POV: Chakotay
I left Ensign Sullivan's quarters feeling as though I'd done a terrible thing, even though I knew it was for the best. I couldn't help wondering, had I been in Selina's place with the imposter posing as Kathryn, would I want to find out, and have my world turned upside down in a matter of moments? Though I couldn't help feeling used over the fact the alien had posed as me to win her affection, I also felt very sorry for her.
Once the doors were closed, I tapped my comm-badge, "Chakotay to Kes,"
"Kes here, what can I do for you Commander?" came the little Ocampan's sing-song voice,
"I need someone to sit with Ensign Sullivan, Kes. She's just had a very traumatic experience. I'd like you, or whoever her best friend is, to keep an eye on her."
"I'll see what I can do." she promised
"Thank you, Kes. I'm very grateful. Chakotay out." cutting communication, I headed for the brig.
I arrived there at the same time Kathryn did. She saw me and gestured for me to remain outside.
"I want to speak to him alone for a moment," she told me. As I watched her walk in, I wished I could be a fly on the wall - I'd have loved to know what she wanted to ask the alien that she didn't want me to hear.
POV: Janeway
My heart was pounding as I approached the holding cell. I had no idea why I had come down here, when Tuvok could very easily handle this alone, or why I had made Chakotay stay outside - I just knew I had to see the alien, alone.
I stared at the alien, who was still wearing Chakotay's face, for a long time. I was amazed at the perfection of every little detail, then even more amazed that I knew my first officer well enough to judge. Finally it was he who broke the silence, and even his voice was perfect.
"You've taken exception to the face I chose, haven't you," he said, his voice a little hostile, which was understandable in the circumstances, "Or is it just that I picked Selina and not you?"
I was surprised by this, "What makes you ask that?" I demanded.
The alien smiled that smile of Chakotay's that always makes me go weak at the knees, "He means more to you that you can admit," he said simply, "Selina simply fantasised about this man - but he has captured your very soul. My species can recognise this. You, however, seem to want to deny it."
"It raises too many complications," I said, surprised at myself for confessing this, yet unable to stop myself. Maybe I just needed to talk to someone, and here was someone willing to listen, "They drill it into you back home about not getting involved with officers under your command; it can seriously impair judgement in a crisis. Just look at how I reacted when I thought Chakotay was seeing Selina! I have never been so out of control!"
"That's because you've never truly been in love before, until now," the alien said. I was about to protest, but then I realised that he was right. I had never felt anything close to this for Mark, or for Justin really, though that would certainly have grown with time, "I think you're stronger than that really," the alien continued, "Such an involvement would simply provide you with greater incentive to achieve your goals."
"But what if I was send him out an assignment where he might die?" It was a fear I couldn't deny, that kept nagging at me over and over. It was a large part of what had held me back for so long.
The alien sighed, looking at me with tolerance and sympathy, "I haven't been amongst your crew much since I've been aboard," he confessed. I was immensely relieved by this, "But I do understand that everyone here took an oath, even the rebels who joined your crew, to die if the situation called for it. Chakotay is no different. Besides, haven't you conquered fear before? Go to him, Captain - I'm not going anywhere."
He was right. I had conquered fear before, and I had promised myself it would never get the better of me again. But this was not the right time to think about myself,
"Now is not the right time," I told him, "I have too many responsibilities-"
"Isn't his job to release you from too many responsibilities?" he interrupted, echoing Chakotay's earlier words, "Think how much easier it would be if you shared at such a deeper level. If he feels the same way about you, you'd be a fool not to share your life with him. Trust me, my species knows about this."
"That's something I need to talk to you about," I deliberately changed the subject, "Your species. Why did you do this?" I desperately wanted to avoid the temptation to do as he suggested. He noticed this and sighed.
"If I tell you, will you talk to him?" he seemed determined to play cupid for some reason,
"I can't promise that!"
"He's outside?" I nodded, "Then bring him in. He deserves an explanation at least as much as you do."
POV: Chakotay
Kathryn came back out into the corridor, an apprehensive look on her face, and beckoned me in. I kept my features as calm as I could, but I'm sure she could see the unease in my eyes that mirrored her own. It's a daunting thing to have to face a stranger who has assumed your appearance. He was sat on the cot in the holding cell, content as you please.
"I thought you deserved to hear my explanation," he told me, in a kindly voice.
"I'm listening," I responded, intrigued as to what the two of them had been discussing for so long. In the corridor, my ears had been tingling - a sure sign, according to my grandmother, that you are being talked about.
"My species has the ability to change our appearance to anything we can think of - either superficially or on a genetic level. We were once the marvel of this sector for our travelling shows. That was until we were struck with a genetic disorder that killed all our females. Even now, our daughters never reach maturity. We have been forced to find mates among women from other species in order to survive."
"But why did you assume my face?" This was the thing I most wanted to know, and the selfishness of that surprised me a little.
"One of the side effects of the disorder is that some of us are born with aesthetically unpleasant appearances that revolt the females of most species. The plus, however, is that we also inherited the ability to see in a person's mind the person they fantasize about," I hoped he didn't notice the way my face went read at that comment, "Whose likeness we can then assume, even down to the DNA code.That way, the child that hopefully results is, in essence, that person's child but with our abilities. I meant no harm by Selina, and we aren't child-stealers if that is what concerns you. We just try to keep our species alive as best we can."
"What about Selina?" Kathryn asked, "What will become of her?"
"The plan was to persuade her to leave the ship and roam the sector with me. She is unhappy here - or else I wouldn't have approached her. I would have ensured her happiness for a lifetime, she would have wanted for nothing."
"Noble sentiments," Kathryn agreed, tersely, "But she would be living a lie. And it was unwise to choose someone from such a close knit society such as this. Her pregnancy would have caused questions, and the confrontation with Chakotay could have been ten times worse."
And what would it have been like if Kathryn and I had begun a relationship before this came to a head? I could see in her eyes as she glanced at me that the same thought was going through her head. This could have been very, very ugly.
The alien shrugged, "I just saw her in the Vanita System, and knew we were destined to be together."
"Sounds like 'love at first sight'." I commented, stealing another glance at Kathryn. She was blushing slightly...
The alien smiled at us, "You sound as though you speak from experience, Commander." Now it was my turn to blush! He gave Kathryn a significant look, which she pretended to ignore.
"We'll drop you off at our next supply stop," she told him, attempting to get back to business, "I'll let Ensign Sullivan decide for herself what she wants to do."
"You've been most compassionate, Captain," he thanked her, "I know I deserve to be punished for my actions - I was following my heart rather than my head."
"Sometimes we pay too much attention to our heads." she said enigmatically, glancing at me for a moment then heading for the door. I followed, stunned; this was getting very confusing. Should I act on the signals she was sending me? Or should I maintain the distance she'd been insisting on for so long? I knew what my heart was telling me!
POV: Janeway
"Kathryn, we need to talk."
I sighed, and turned to face him, glad that the corridor was empty, "I know, Chakotay. I'm sorry I doubted you about Sullivan-"
"That's not what I need to talk to you about!" he cut me off, "Kath...I love you, and I need to know if you feel the same way?"
I was stunned. His confession of love had caught me unawares. But I knew exactly how to respond.
"Chakotay," I sighed, "I've loved you for quite some time now. I was going to tell you yesterday morning but then all this happened."
The look on his face was too beautiful to adequately describe. In the space of a nanosecond he had me in his arms and was kissing me, so tenderly. It was as though I was like fine porcelain to him and he feared his strength.
I responded wholeheartedly, encouraging him to pick up the pace a little. Before long, I heard him moan in pleasure, evidently becoming aroused. I pulled away from him with extreme reluctance.
"Now is not the time for that, Commander." I said sadly, using his rank as an anchor to pull us both back to the here and now.
"Will there be a time?" he asked, half sly, half wary.
"Count on it!" I grinned, "I've wasted too much time as it is!"
Smiling, he took my hand and lead me to the turbo-lift. We remained connected throughout the ride, Chakotay stoking my hand absently with a finger. I had not felt as contented in quite some time. We parted with a quick kiss before the turbo-lift door opened, and we walked down to our seats. For the rest of the shift, I had some very pleasant scenarios playing in my head.
Diwedd. (The End)
